So I went to the hospital this week. I was in a bit of a panic because I found a lump. If your stomach just dropped, I know how you feel. It was in the area where the hip and femur connect. The leg itself had been sore for about a week, and then it started to spread down the leg, and then I felt this tiny little lump. What scared me most was the lump was right where a lymph node was likely to be. (I know that we have hundreds of lymph nodes, but since I've had lymphoma, I have become very aware as to were the lymph nodes are, and what ones are likely to be infected by cancer first. This was one of the spots.) Basically I couldn't stop till I knew one way or the other. So I went to my regular doctors to see if she thought there was any reason to be concerned. She thought that it was likely a pinched nerve, because of how the pain wrapped around the leg, and didn't follow a straight line. Still, she said I should get a ultrasound, and just make sure that everything was alright.
So, I waited about an hour and a half at the hospital to get this ultrasound. I now have a little more sympathy for pregnant women, cause the tech did not hold back on how hard she pushed down to take those pictures. Imagine having strep throat, and then having someone pushing down and in all along your throat, taking pictures. Good times. Well, they said they would have the results in two hours. Six desperate and slow hours later, I get the call. It was the nurse (always a good sign when it's the nurse and not the doctor) and she said that it was my lymph nodes. There was an infection, similar to what happens to your throat when you have strep, and they were swollen. They were still within regular size, and the swelling was benign! Good news to hear. Sad news: there is nothing that can be done but to let it ride out on its own. This, apparently is fairly common, which also gives me relief.
I feel a little justified that there was actually something wrong. Weird to say maybe, but I feel everything now. Every twinge, pain, discomfort, I can't help but stop and assess. Am I missing something? Is my body telling me something? The problem is I didn't have any signs before. It came silently, and it was a miracle that it was even found. I hate to feel this way. Like my body and I are on opposite sides. I am reading Trust Jesus by Jeffrey Holland right now. I am grateful to have this book, because it helps to remind me that all I can do it my best. I personally can't guarantee that my cancer will never come back. I can only trust that Jesus has a better plan for me, and that He is aware of me. This is not easy for me to give such power away (like it is even mine to begin with, right?). I am afraid. I feel small sometimes because of it. This has stretched me in ways that I never would have before. Still, it has opened my mind up to the miracle of the atonement. That the physical and mental and emotional scars that are left on me will disappear. It's not easy for me to get to this mindset, but I always find myself coming to the same conclusion. I am grateful to know the truth of it, and that our Heaven Father has set a way for us to be happy, if not always now, then someday that will last.
I have my second to last scan this month. The last will be in May 2009. From there, I will have just over three more years till I'm in recovery.
This is my nephew Dallin. I heard the coolest story about him today. A girl in his class at school was just diagnosed with cancer. So eight boys in the class, including Dallin, shaved their heads to show support for this little girl. (Dallin is just eight years old, and already able to make choices that are blessing the life of others.) She has started treatments, and like most lucky candidates, all her hair fell out. These boys didn't just buzz their heads, they shaved it all off. What a great feeling I got when I heard about my nephews service. I cried to think of the Christ-like love that he was willing to show. He has always been a sensitive and tender guy, I'm just so proud.
